The Peter Crouch Drinking Game ™

Bored of watching England’s lacklustre performances in this World Cup? Wish that you had something to do while you were watching that was an entertaining distraction, but also enabled you to concentrate on the game? Well, you need look no further. Throughout England's last game in this World Cup against Portugal on Saturday, you can play The Peter Crouch Drinking Game™ (TPCDG™ for short).

It’s the usual drinking game drill: you have to down one, two or three fingers of booze according to Crouch’s involvement. I can guarantee that you’ll be hammered by the end of the game, so I advise using water as a beer substitute, especially as I'm on anti-biotics. Or something.

Before we start, I’ve been devising this game for a while (it’s hardly original anyway), so was interested to see whether it would still work with Crouch on the bench as he was in the last game. It mostly does.

It’s mainly based on what commentators say. Here goes!

If you hear: “6 feet 7” – one finger.

If you hear the exact words: “all six feet seven of him” – three fingers.

For any reference to Crouch being “at altitude” – two fingers.

For an obscure “Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon” pun – down your drink.

If you hear the classic: “he has a good touch for a big man” – three fingers.

Any reference to him being taller than the stadium (which I’ve heard once during this tournament, so there is precedent) or having snow on the top of his head – down your drink.

For a Crouch height statistic (eg he’s the second tallest man in the World Cup, or he’s England’s tallest player ever) – two fingers.

For any other comment about Crouch’s height – one finger (two if it's particularly inane - be your own judge).

For a sneaky tug of the centre back’s dreadlocks (or hair in the absence of dreadlocks) – one finger.

For a Crouch shinner that goes out for a goal kick – three fingers (very unlikely).

For a Crouch shinner that goes out for a throw-in – one finger (much more likely).

Every time there’s a slow motion replay of the ball hitting Crouch’s head – one finger.

For a Crouch hat-trick (one off each shin and one off the backside) – down that drink.

Finally, if Crouch ever assumes the human swastika position again, down your drink whilst trying to assume the position yourself.

Any other suggestions? Please put them in the comments section.