Keeping Up Appearances

I’ve read several articles and ads in the local papers recently that I’ve found fairly alarming.

One article starts off:

“If you were walking behind Miss _____ (30), you wouldn’t believe that she is 8 months pregnant.”

It then goes on to proclaim:

“That’s how slim she is…”

I pinched myself. How can a pregnant woman look slim? And why would she want to? All the pregnant women I’ve known have quite liked looking pregnant, or so they’ve said. Perhaps they were all lying. I was puzzled.

The article goes on to advise pregnant women on the best ways to look as if they’re not actually pregnant. Apparently, in order to avoid looking like you’re pregnant, all you need to do is:

“Pay attention to posture, diet, skincare and comfortable and trendy maternity wear.”

So, stand up straight, wash your face, don’t shop at Mothercare and don’t “eat for two”.

But I was still bewildered. What’s wrong with looking pregnant if you are? I’m a teacher, so my apparel consists of a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. If I was a pregnant woman, I’d have a baby inside me, so would look a bit pregnant, and therefore less slim than usual.

Helpfully, the article explained that:

“A little lipstick will brighten the face and mood.”

Of course. Now it all made sense.

I’ve also seen an advert for a plastic surgeon, which, gruesomely, features a photo of a privet hedge in the shape of a woman’s torso juxtaposed with a set of garden shears.

Throughout the world people are obsessed with their appearance, and the desire to look like something that they’re not. I’ve even seen a shop on my travels called “All White”, which specialises in making non-white people look like white people.

As a result of all this, I’ve finally bowed to the pressure and have decided to wander the streets looking like an 18 year old pregnant Thai woman with a beard.

Having done a Google search on that description, I'm satisfied that it's a unique look.

Now I’m bound to fit in.