Monologuing

Following my last post about my encounter with a noisy man on an aeroplane, and my coining of the term "monologuer" to describe his conversational selfishness, I've started to develop the theory.

Before I expound, I should explain that I might be slightly jealous of monologuers. You see, I’m quite a quiet chap and usually try to express my opinion in two sentences or less (in spontaneous conversation with strangers especially). Less is more for me, largely because I don't want to invade the other person's temporal space. However, maybe I just don't know what I'm missing. Maybe, instead of trying to change monologuers, I should first give monologuing a good try myself.

In order to try monologuing, I needed to come up with a series of rules. If monologuers exist, there must be trends, or qualities, that characterise their behaviour. So here are a list of the rules of selfish conversationalism which I'm going to try at some point in the near future when I'm talking to a stranger in a public place. At present I have no hard evidence to back up these rules, but I do have a lifetime of experience of being on the receiving end of these techniques.

1. Monologuers want as many people as possible to hear their conversation.

2. Monologuers have a complete inability to detect signs of boredom in others.

3. All questions asked by the monologuer will be answered, not by the listener, but by the monologuer himself.

4. The monologuer frequently talks about and gives opinions about topics which he freely admits he knows nothing about.

5. The monologuer often denies feelings of hostility towards a group of people before expressing a hostile opinion about that group of people. For example, “I’ve got nothing against gays, but…” or “I’m not racist, but…”.

6. Monologuers have a well-established set of catchphrases which they use to cement their arguments. For example, “All I know is I had more money in my pocket under the Tories”.

7. The conversation of a monologuer is peppered with references to his own bravado, or his ability to find loopholes, or his ability to win battles, whether they’re physical or mental.

8. If from England, the monologuer will think that the country has gone to the dogs, but will also insist that foreign countries should be more like England.

9. Monologuers’ opinions are entirely those of other people that they digest and then spew. The opinions come from places like the pub, or from tea break at work, or from The Sun. This means that their opinion today is unlikely to still be their opinion tomorrow.

10. Repetition is a key tool of monologuers. Monologuers often say the same thing more than once, but they might change it slightly each time they say it. If they’ve already said it, chances are they’ll say it again.

Any more?