As Far As I Can See

I’ve mentioned before that I have pretty bad eyesight. The other day I went to buy some new glasses which is always fraught with problems, including not actually being able to see what the glasses I try on look like. Unless I put my old glasses on top of the ones I’m trying on. Which looks stupid and doesn’t work.

Another problem is swimming. I can’t see much in a swimming pool and because I don’t have my glasses on I have less spatial awareness and become easily disorientated. The other day I was in the pool, trying to get from one side to the other without taking a breath. I thought I was about another breast stroke away from the edge, so I gave it one last push, cracked my head on the wall and received a large bump.

Neil, Cath and Ella all found this fairly amusing for some reason.

I didn’t.

People have suggested I get prescription goggles in order to solve this problem. My friend Andy, however, was quick to point out that this would probably result in my head sinking from the weight of the lenses.

Once again I wasn’t massively amused.

This experience reminded me of some Top Tips:

Just in case you smash your spectacle lenses, stick two pieces of tape on each lens in a cross shape.

In order to avoid having to wear cumbersome glasses, attach a piece of wire to each ear and fix a piece of glass to the other end. Simply balance the pieces of glass on your nose and cheeks.

Don't waste money buying expensive spectacles. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Can’t afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes.

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. They can then be worn around the neck.

As far as I can work out, these top tips are also lacking in any kind of humour as far as I can see.