Cabbie Logic
Ubin is a tiny, sparsely inhabited island just off the coast of Singapore. You get there via bumboat, which costs $2 for the 10 minute trip and you can cycle around the island after hiring a bicycle which costs $2 for a day. It takes about 25 minutes by car to get from my house to the jetty to take the ferry to Ubin. I don’t have a car, so I take a taxi. This doesn’t cost $2.
Appallingly weak link as that is, our taxi driver who took us to the jetty where we took the ferry to get to Ubin was, to put it politely, rather garrulous. Taxi drivers in Singapore are generally fairly quiet and leave you to take your journey in peace. This, I suppose, is because there isn’t much to chat about. There’s no bartering to be done as all taxis are metered. They don’t try to offer to take you to silver shops so that they can get commission. They don’t give opinions on politics very often either. Every now and then, though, you get one who wants to chat, and these chatty ones tend to make up for all the chatting not done by any of the others.
Chatty ones tend to focus on one of the same three topics: football, titbits of information about Singapore or the long hours, low pay and high cost of cars for taxi drivers.
On the first topic, most of them are Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal or Chelsea fans, which is probably no surprise to anyone. However, I did meet one once who was a Luton Town fan, so we had a nice chat about David Pleat’s all-arms sprint across the pitch that time they got promoted and before his face turned into rubber.
On the second topic, the titbit of information about Singapore that I’ve had proffered to me most frequently is that there’s a section of expressway which has a very wide central reservation full of plants. According to the cabbies, these plants can be removed in a jiffy by some mechanical means in order to turn the expressway into an emergency military runway in case of war. This is a state secret, known only by taxi drivers and all of the people who listen to them.
On the topic of low pay for cabbies, I've been informed that they have to make $90 a day before they start making profit. A 45 minute journey (and there aren’t many longer journeys on this tiny island) cost me about $25 the other day, so they’re working for a few hours before they make any money. Most of them work at least 12 hours a day. Some do this 7 days a week. Nasty.
I once had a taxi driver who taught me a few words in Mandarin too, which was quite good fun and a bit of a change. However, I didn't like him very much because, after I'd had a few goes, he told me that it wasn't a language you should speak in a cissy way like I was.
Today, we had the taxi driver to beat all taxi drivers. He spoke very quickly. In fact, I’ve never met anybody who has spoken quicker. So rapid was his delivery that I only managed to pick up about one word in fifteen. Trying to work out what he’d said was like trying to work out a cryptic crossword clue when all you’ve got to go on is the one word answer.
In fact, he reminded me very much of a not-drunk-or-old-or-fictional Rowley Birkin QC from The Fast Show, a character who incomprehensibly slurred his way through most of an utterance with only a phrase or a word pronounced clearly.
This cabbie was talking about religion, I think. This is what he said:
“Lkfdsjdsk f jkds jfds dsk fds dsjiofwej God is love. Fdskl fdjfds fdsjlkdfs jasloif as fds sf my wife is my God my children are my angels. Fakl ahjie a f foif af fjhld saji fail fdsa religions cause wars. Jsfsal fsjkl fsajklfs lskj fsakjfs lks whoever causes religious wars deserves to die. Kdsfih saoi fdsjiosa fdsaoijsa Christians, Hindus, Muslims. Dsakj flfdsa fdk fsa hfi aifhsdi fsdi fsai if anyone did that I’d get a hammer and smash their face with it. Fskalfs fsjdfd s fdsjifdsojsfd sai fdsi Muslims, beards, hats.”
So, as far as I could work out he was preaching a message of love and peace and death and destruction to all men.
What did I do as he was speaking at me? I did the smiling, nodding thing with the occasional "yeah, yeah", thrown in for good measure, of course.
When we finally got to Ubin I took some more pictures.
Appallingly weak link as that is, our taxi driver who took us to the jetty where we took the ferry to get to Ubin was, to put it politely, rather garrulous. Taxi drivers in Singapore are generally fairly quiet and leave you to take your journey in peace. This, I suppose, is because there isn’t much to chat about. There’s no bartering to be done as all taxis are metered. They don’t try to offer to take you to silver shops so that they can get commission. They don’t give opinions on politics very often either. Every now and then, though, you get one who wants to chat, and these chatty ones tend to make up for all the chatting not done by any of the others.
Chatty ones tend to focus on one of the same three topics: football, titbits of information about Singapore or the long hours, low pay and high cost of cars for taxi drivers.
On the first topic, most of them are Manchester United, Liverpool, Arsenal or Chelsea fans, which is probably no surprise to anyone. However, I did meet one once who was a Luton Town fan, so we had a nice chat about David Pleat’s all-arms sprint across the pitch that time they got promoted and before his face turned into rubber.
On the second topic, the titbit of information about Singapore that I’ve had proffered to me most frequently is that there’s a section of expressway which has a very wide central reservation full of plants. According to the cabbies, these plants can be removed in a jiffy by some mechanical means in order to turn the expressway into an emergency military runway in case of war. This is a state secret, known only by taxi drivers and all of the people who listen to them.
On the topic of low pay for cabbies, I've been informed that they have to make $90 a day before they start making profit. A 45 minute journey (and there aren’t many longer journeys on this tiny island) cost me about $25 the other day, so they’re working for a few hours before they make any money. Most of them work at least 12 hours a day. Some do this 7 days a week. Nasty.
I once had a taxi driver who taught me a few words in Mandarin too, which was quite good fun and a bit of a change. However, I didn't like him very much because, after I'd had a few goes, he told me that it wasn't a language you should speak in a cissy way like I was.
Today, we had the taxi driver to beat all taxi drivers. He spoke very quickly. In fact, I’ve never met anybody who has spoken quicker. So rapid was his delivery that I only managed to pick up about one word in fifteen. Trying to work out what he’d said was like trying to work out a cryptic crossword clue when all you’ve got to go on is the one word answer.
In fact, he reminded me very much of a not-drunk-or-old-or-fictional Rowley Birkin QC from The Fast Show, a character who incomprehensibly slurred his way through most of an utterance with only a phrase or a word pronounced clearly.
This cabbie was talking about religion, I think. This is what he said:
“Lkfdsjdsk f jkds jfds dsk fds dsjiofwej God is love. Fdskl fdjfds fdsjlkdfs jasloif as fds sf my wife is my God my children are my angels. Fakl ahjie a f foif af fjhld saji fail fdsa religions cause wars. Jsfsal fsjkl fsajklfs lskj fsakjfs lks whoever causes religious wars deserves to die. Kdsfih saoi fdsjiosa fdsaoijsa Christians, Hindus, Muslims. Dsakj flfdsa fdk fsa hfi aifhsdi fsdi fsai if anyone did that I’d get a hammer and smash their face with it. Fskalfs fsjdfd s fdsjifdsojsfd sai fdsi Muslims, beards, hats.”
So, as far as I could work out he was preaching a message of love and peace and death and destruction to all men.
What did I do as he was speaking at me? I did the smiling, nodding thing with the occasional "yeah, yeah", thrown in for good measure, of course.
When we finally got to Ubin I took some more pictures.
posted by Me @ 6:21 pm
5 Comments:
At 7:30 am,
Andy said…
Haha good story well told, as ever. But don't we all have to work about three hours before we get paid? (presuming you don't get some tax dodge in Singapore).
Nice piccies too, I always like the ones you take of colourful items, from directly overhead.
At 3:47 pm,
Me said…
Yes, you're right, Andy, but we don't all have to work three hours before we get paid and then have to work another three hours to pay our taxes before finally making a pittance in the last six hours of our working day.
Did you follow that?
At 2:16 pm,
Jonny said…
What music you like?
I like POP music. I like love music. Britney Spears.
Remember that?
At 5:47 pm,
Me said…
Of course, thanks for reminding me! Taxi drivers also talk about their taste in music. How could I forget?
At 4:43 am,
Unknown said…
garrulous
1 Given to excessive and often trivial or rambling talk; tiresomely talkative.
2 Wordy and rambling: a garrulous speech.
nice!
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